Pet dog = human child

‘Having a kid is just like having a dog.’

That is exactly right! When I first heard that common phrase I thought it to be ridiculous. Dogs require far less time and resources to manage,  that’s so obvious! I presumed.

Wrong. After being with my girlfriend for a year, and taking care of her 8lb shizu-poodle onyx all the time, then having our first child, I can safely say having a kid is the exact same as having a dog if not easier.

Comfy bed for the baby, covered, she gets onyx’s hand me down.

Play pen so she doesn’t wonder and fall down the stairs, covered, she gets onyx’s indoor adjustable fence.

Food and water dishes, again she’s get’s onyx’s. We had to upgrade onyx to new Marshall’s Homegoods dog bowls. Only fair since he has seniority.

We have to go to work for 8+ hrs in a day. What to do with the baby? Easy! Old dog crate,. New baby crate!

Our baby is 2 ½ and finally walking?! 

We want to go for a walk with her down the street but don’t want the responsibility of keeping an eye on her wandering habits. Simple solution. Onyx’s collar and leash. The only place our baby is going is max 8 ft away from us.

Toys? You already know by now where yer one is getting her toys.

I used to instantly dismiss the notion of raising a child being the same as raising a dog. I actually thought of those ppl, who said that idea aloud, as fuckheads. Boy was I sure wrong. I can contently say I was wrong. It sure is the same thing. All the amenities my kid needs I already have! 

Every morning I bring onyx and my newborn to the dog park to let out some energy and socialize.

      This is a pro tip; as the dog park is a place where dogs can freely pee or poo with the social respect of discarding your dog’s poo promptly, it naturally facilitates a baby’s bowel and urine excrements the same way. diapers? not necessary. But what about at home, in the living space? If my child dares a crap or pee in the house I hold her nose to the excrement and authoritatively say ‘NO!’ Thus conditioning her to poop/piss during her routine dog park excursions. Does my dog wear diapers? Never! 

As the adage goes; raising a dog is the same as raising a child. Are you inline to bare the duty/ responsibility of caring for an infant? Get a dog it’s the same! Every step of the process will be paved via a disposable animal first!

Bed Dash

Penny pinching money by buying groceries and cooking food at home isn’t only economical and necessary to stay from being completely broke with an average paycheck but it’s also a fckin hassle. When I get home from my life leeching, spirit draining job I only want to procrastinate any practical task that needs addressing in my life, put my mind on airplane mode and binge Netflix or play video games and interact with the toxic environment of strangers online. Door dash was a perfect fit to my routine; obsolves all real life, human to human interaction around my ability to acquire food, allowing me to further spiral down the psychological rabbit hell hole of isolation.

 I’ve had 4 massive psychotic breaks in my life and I’m only 26! Did any of those psych ward experiences, bridge burning episodes, give me real chance to reflect on my social patterns of life? Of course they did. I always do the free 2 week trial period of healthy habits before a stressful situation resets the mess of over comfort and mind numbing devices into my eyes. 

After having been door dashed for a few months, I really started adjusting to my new found comfort of life. So much so that it wasn’t enough. There came a point where getting off my bed, having to interrupt the movie or game I was playing to travel to the furthest reaches of my living accomodation to open the front door and collect my packaged food was becoming an inconvenience. That’s when I created the revolutionary food courier service; bed dash. It’s the exact same concept of door dash with everything it shouldn’t be. The courier brings the food directly to your bed, you better remember to keep your door open/ unlocked. If you live in the city like me your gonna love this. Adds a dynamic layer of socializing to my life with so many stories of crime and plunder right before my eyes. Every bed dash order comes with a cheap piss cup and throw away shit box. My bedroom door is less than 4 feet away from my bathroom door, 4 feet of travel time I save everytime I capitalize on my company’s disposable piss and shit containers.

This company is up and coming. There’s a promotional offer; I’ll supervise your first bed dash ensuring none of your property will be stolen from you. My only employee is Adam; my sister in laws’ nephew in law. His nickname is honey bun, cause he’s got sticky fingers and it’s degrading and emasculating to him, which is necessary, sometimes he acts like it’s his business – gotta put him in place when I can.

 By being bed dash’s sole and unhealthily frequent customer, I could really use a handout, even if you think all this is so strange and highly illegal, reckless, unnecessary, and shameful.,.do it for the pity you have for me. Find it within yourself to focus on the sadness of my existence, pissing and shitting in my own room, calling Adam up to fetch me grub. pushing the ticking time bomb of an episode further and further with every day of isolation. Isn’t that worth bed dashing?

Ok I’m gonna level with you Adam is 16 and I’ve been having him work some weird hours on thru the night. He’s been telling his father he got a job as a reataurant dishwasher as a cover and been working late because of the hours, but his father is questioning the legality of that because, Adam being 16, shouldn’t be working past 10pm. To stop Adam from most likely having his first job taken away from him, as his father day by day inches closer to the truth, I need more customers so I can hire more highschool kids for this operation. Allowing Adam more reasonable day shift hrs. 

So if the amount of pity you have for me isn’t enough to cough up a few coin for bed dash, well look at Adam. 16 and this is all he has going for him, you really wanna fuck it up for him?

If using adam as a pawn to manipulate your emotion of guilt isn’t enough. Essentially con-ing you into placing an order so we can both do a quick grab and dash in your home. Well let’s make this real clear. I need money. I need money real bad. My landlord is gunna evict me in a week and I’ve burnt all my social ties from those last psychotic episodes. I Truly have nothing to lose.

This goes out to my entire apartment complex. HEAR ME NOW RIVERSIDE ESTATE RESIDENTS. It will be one of you. possibly one or two others before they will stop me. I have a pillowcase with a brick in it and an unclear conscience. If I cant pay rent because you stuck up cunts can’t support a local start up business, at least one of you will surely pay for your smug disinterest. Can’t say you haven’t been warned. Be the cause of yourself, a family member or maybe your favorite neighbors death. Don’t let your conscience rot like mine, do what’s right for the well being of the community. 

It’s a no brainer! reap the benefits of a luxury food courier service. Fast food, fast into your home, the bed dash way.

Anybody that orders before my eviction is finalized will be spared.

Sneaky Bhoy

My dog stole my wallet. He is a sneaky dog with a sneaky mind. When no one’s looking he grabs my gf’s dirty panties and chews. At the dog park he’ll find a tall fit male dog and relentlessly lick yer man’s arse or penis. His preference is based on whatever sick fantasy he has been playing out in his perverted unchristian from bedtime thoughts before.

Onyx, my dog, only weighs 8lbs put he puts all of it to use to try and rape these 80lb+ dogs in the enclosed dog park. Everyone notices even the owner of the dog, they seem to give an initial almost nervous joke at first never to mention it again, but it’s happening, constantly. He is fixated on raping that target he chose for the morning. He’s too small to jam his meat corn into the full grown golden retrievers asshole while it’s standing, he tries non the less. Always there either licking a genital or trying fruitlessly to mount and take over, yet his chest when standing on his hind legs barely reaches the dogs poop shoot.

The big guy will chase a ball, even socialize with other dogs barely giving onyx notice. That just drives onyx’s ambitions higher. Imagine if a legal midget with the strength of a toddler and no penis was trying to rape you, you’d probably laugh and entertain him trying. Knowing full well at any moment you could obliterate him.The moment the big dog sits down, onyx doesn’t hesitate. The big dogs ass is finally at level where onyx can really penetrate. To no avail. The best onyx gets is the furry bum cheeks, as the hole has contact with the sand.

The hormones continue to corse…

This illustrates the character of the dog I have living with me. It should not surprise you that two nights ago onyx stealthily snuck out the outside with my keys in collar and robbed me of my wallet within my car. I know he did because I checked my bank statement. The most recent transaction was a door dash for bacon bite dog treats and an only fans subscription to the neighbors poodle. Sick fuck. He really fucked with the wrong person. I just ordered a dog outfit with text on it reading ‘mr. Cuck’. Ha. Guess what’s coming in the mail for you onyx.

Coño.